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  • Writer's pictureLana Maher

Desperate For Love..

“Never go in search of love,

go in search of life,

and life will find you the love you seek” ~Atticus~

Self Portrait ~ 2007

I am dedicating this story to the people I call “Warriors”.

You’ll know who you are, just keep reading...

I used to be desperate for love.

To be precise, desperate to be loved by others.

And mostly, desperate for a man’s love.

This story is not about how I became this way, but more of how I lived it.

Desperation made me delusional. It made me see all the red flags as red hearts.

It created a filter, that turned the hazy sky into a bright blue sky with a rainbow too.

I ran into that pretty picture that I created in my head,

and found myself in the heart of my first love.

Little did I know that behind the beautifully red-draped curtains was an abusive relationship.

It was very abusive!

I felt blackmailed into staying in the relationship,

for the price of staying alive.

Some of the darkest days of my life. Filled with physical, emotional, and mental torture.

How could all the hearts turn into thorns?

How could puppy love turn into fangs?

How is this my life?

Filled with suffering, and back stabbing pain.

No one is understanding.

Everyone is pointing fingers.

No one can help me.

I am alone.

I like to use the word miracle, to describe how that relationship ended.

One night, my roommate back in college suggested that I pray for guidance. I woke up the next morning with a comfort; like a huge weight was lifted off me. A deep knowing that everything will be ok. And, that same day, the relationship ended.

My quest to be loved continued, no matter the storms.

A quest without finding any shores.

I have got to give it to my past self.

I showed persistence!

But, I was going in the wrong direction!

I went in the wrong direction for many years...

Collecting baggage from each year that passed,

and putting them on my back to weigh me down even more...

More pain

More heartaches

More loneliness

More low self-esteem

More self-hatred

More confusion

More walls

More distrust

More fear

More disgust

And all I ever wanted is for someone to take all of it away.

Years of searching, and no one could ever take it away, or even want to.

Years of going in the wrong direction; escaping the fear of not ever feeling loved.

Until eventually I ran into a wall, and faced my deep and dark depression. It devoured me!

Because I felt scared to kill myself,

I prayed to be freed from this humanly world that I could not understand.

As the morbid days passed, and turned into years.

Pretty obviously, my prayers for death were not answered.

I started wishing I had died in all the times I thought I was about to die in.

I became desperate for peace.

I questioned in deep despair:

“How long must I suffer?”

I wanted to know how much of this do I need to handle.

I did not want to suffer any longer or any more.

I was fed up from suffering.

I started hating the suffering. Damning it every single day.

Until a metaphorical neon sign lit up, and said “ENOUGH!”

I reached my boiling point with suffering. I thought to myself, and I remember it clearly:

“If I’m too chicken to kill myself,

and so far it looks like I have a long life ahead of me,

and I can’t get deeper into the darkness,

it is already fully dark…

Fuck it!

Fuck everybody!

Fuck the society!

Fuck women!

Fuck men! Fuck this life…...”

And the thought went on, and then took a strange turn.

“I don’t need anyone!

I can do it all on my own!

I can love myself!

I can pamper myself,

I can enjoy my own company,

I can start a family by myself!

I don’t need anyone!”

The last set of thoughts are the ones that got stuck on loop for a while.

And to conclude these brief memories…

A dear friend recently asked me, “ How do you have so much love to give?”.

I thought about it, and answered:

“I looked for love in all the wrong places.

I looked for love outside of me.

I couldn’t find what I was looking for,

So I decided to take the opposite direction,

and look inside..”

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